Two Saturdays

A day off from the market is a rare occurrence, taken only when the roads are too icy in the 5:30am darkness to make the trip into town safely, or when one is terribly and contagiously ill and must stay in bed with the door shut, tissues and tea on the nightstand.

Two consecutive weekends off from the market is unheard of, unprecedented and unfamiliar territory. Nevertheless, at the tail end of August, I ventured forward into this strange luxury, bringing back stories and treasures and a state of relaxation unparalleled by any meditation I’ve sunk into thus far in my little life (while we’re on the subject of rarities, two weeks ago I wore a dress to work).

Week before last, Patrick enlisted the help of our niece and nephew, Andrew and Rebecca, to work the market in our hometown, giving me respite and a slight conundrum—how to redirect my restless market set up/sell/tear down energy to more leisurely pursuits? I’m cut from the “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” cloth and while not fidgety exactly, I do enjoy that hit of dopamine when I can stand back and look at a project or task completed before diving into the next one. Without the bustle of all things market-related, what was I to do, drive aimlessly around the backroads of central Ohio and stop when the mood struck me? Have lunch at a small-town diner and forget that I’d be well outside the gluten-free restaurant belt? Head toward a lake or dam and watch the life that gathers on the sandy and reedy shores? Well…yeah, that’s kinda the idea and almost what happened.

I ended up at an artisan’s co-op about an hour from our place, looking for new earrings from a vendor we met at a pop-up market two years ago. She was set up next to us and our granola at a family farm-turned small craft brewery and her colorful display kept catching my eye (we all know how well granola pairs with beer, right? We scratched our heads at the invitation to attend and stopped scratching when we sold out in three hours). That day, I added half a dozen pairs of her fine clay crafted jewelry to my collection, giving some away to folks who said they liked them. Two weeks ago, I arrived at the small eclectic shop in Marysville where she consigns her wares and found what I was looking for and more. In this well-curated and cleverly laid out space, I reminded myself to look up and not just eye level at the products within arm’s reach. Dangling from the ceiling were exquisitely detailed twisted grapevine wreaths adorned with tiny hand-crafted clay mushrooms and fungi, paired with patches of moss and stems of artificial greenery that looked like the real thing. Enchanted, I stretched to unhook a crescent moon-shaped one and carried it gingerly to the checkout counter. Against the backdrop of our pistachio-green front door, this vertical fairy garden would welcome family and friends and Amazon delivery drivers well into the autumn season.

A Saturday off? I could get used to this.

Yesterday, we weren’t scheduled for either of the two markets we work. By previous arrangement, I’d been invited to attend a local authors event, sponsored by an indie bookstore just east of Columbus, where I joined 39 fellow writers at long tables set up in the lower-level auditorium of the nearby library. For two glorious hours, I was in the company of creatives, wordsmiths and dreamers who weren’t leaning too hard on our shared writing craft to pay the bills. A steady stream of readers filled the space, stopped to chat and ask us about our work and we happily engaged them as time became irrelevant and blurry on the edges of our conversations. I sold and signed copies for folks who took them up to the checkout table and marveled at my luck—I get to write and sell my words to someone who wants to take them home, nestle into a comfy place and read what I wrote. Seriously—that’s a grand outcome on the other end of a long, long chain of events that began with a simple idea for a story. I’ve just carved out a new and deeper pocket in the well of my humility. To celebrate, Patrick and I stopped for carryout from a fantastic vegan and gluten-free cafe on the way home. Eating green bean curry over rice and a tofu gyro in full view of the meadow will never get old.

Last night, I took more than a few moments to consider just how long it’s been since I’ve had a break like that. To unfold a Saturday slowly before me, not lugging a 120-lb canopy out of the car, wrestling it into place and hauling out the 20-lb tables, 50-lb totes packed with bags of twelve different granola flavors that sell like hotcakes on the hot asphalt of the parking lot where we’re set up…such a pause in that kind of action is pure gift, matched only by the generosity of our customers who rush to the table, thank us for being there and stuff their reusable bags with food they’ll eat for the next several days. For two weekends in a row, I got to see what the woods look like on a Saturday morning (versus say, a Tuesday, on a work remotely day), find out if the blue jays are more chatty than usual now that it’s the weekend (news flash: they aren’t the least bit encumbered by the human invention of the work week) and imagine the gaping hole in the row of stalls set up an hour away, good souls unpacking loaves of sourdough bread and round cardboard containers of cinnamon sugared donut holes, telling folks we’ll be back in a couple weeks. It’s luxury, every bit of it—a side hustle that helps us whittle down some debt and makes the house smell good at the same time, working fulltime jobs that bring meaning and purpose into our lives, getting to step away from either or both for a day, feeling deep gratitude all the way through to our muscles and bones and joints. In all directions, lucky us.

Stillness? Yes, it remains on my list of experiences to master. Retirement? A tiny speck on our married horizon but not rushing at us in a panic. When that decision arrives, I’m confident we’ll know what to do in and around the strangeness of joining the unsalaried class. Until then, I’ll eyeball some future Saturday and fill it with many things or no things, chasing whimsy and writing about it later.

What are you going to do with your next day off? Asking for a friend…

Two Trees

The eastern cottonwood, populus deltoides, is a native hardwood in our area and grows at a rate of four to five feet per year. Its soft-edged triangular leaves flutter in the lightest breeze, filling the air with a cascading and rustling whisper (imagine if the word “shimmer” had a sound…). In early summer, much to the irritation of we allergy sufferers, the trees’ canopies shake loose thousands of seeds that drift lazily through the skies, a cottony snow that falls and collects in fluffy patches on the bright green grass. I gather handfuls here and there, wondering if I can needle-felt it like wool into whimsical tiny rabbit and mushroom shapes. On average, cottonwoods can live anywhere 70 to 100 years but in supportive growing environments, that can extend to 400. Dozens of them line our creek banks and throw their offspring into the rich soil on the edges of the walking paths. We stopped counting the new saplings years ago.

As if competing for the title of Most Prolific Propagator, our sycamores (platanus occidentalis) began filling in the once-plowed and cultivated L-shaped cornfield some twenty-four years ago and now we walk through a burgeoning forest instead of open acreage. Their branches reach across the walking paths to shake hands and hold on, creating long stretches of much-welcomed shade on steamy afternoon strolls. They’re the last to green up in the spring and the first to drop their caramel-colored leaves in late summer, adding crunch and covering to the soft soil below (one autumn, in a burst of artistic inspiration, I made a book out of several of the largest leaves, some bigger than my face, and adorned it with tiny pinecones). Several stand alongside the cottonwoods on the creek banks, a towering wall of reassurance when the winds come in strong from the west. Well, most days…

Late last June, as my brother Mike was finishing up the bathroom remodel, an afternoon of heavy nonstop rains loosened the soil around the roots of exactly one cottonwood and one sycamore on the east side of the creek and a stiff westerly wind finished the job, laying them down as the waters rose and rushed over their massive trunks. Nearby black walnuts and willows tried valiantly to catch these older sisters as they fell, only to be bowed by their weight. Undeterred, these younger saplings now reach for the sun in a sideways stretch, looking brave and determined in their smallness. As summer stepped aside for autumn and an unusually warm winter, I waited and watched for these two sentries to give up their spirits and become future firewood in a slow and sorrowful goodbye.

I’m still waiting.

Spring brought more soaking rains and summer has so far balanced the effect with enough dry days to keep the meadow, front yard and walking paths mowed (around ten acres total, more or less). In the mornings, I climb gently over the fallen sycamore, stopping to touch the green leaves sprouting from her trunk and marveling at the taproot still drawing strength and sustenance from below the creek’s rocky bed. Twenty yards further down the path, I put my small hand around one of the uppermost branches of the horizontal cottonwood, thanking her for being a kind and generous teacher as a light breeze sets her leaves to trembling. It occurs to me that both trees’ magnificent canopies, once an over-my-head mystery, are now within my grasp. For the first time in both of our lives, I can touch the lofty perches of crows and song sparrows. As if I needed one more reason to go silent in the presence of these sentient beings…

It’s a safe bet that future spring and autumn rains will continue to carve out and widen the creek’s banks and winter’s unrelenting winds will selectively topple more of the trees now anchored in the packed but fragile earth that guides the rushing waters to the eventual river downstream. I can do nothing to stop that and must accept the hard truth of impermanence once more, humbled by the unknown and inevitable event that will bring my own pulse and breaths to a close.

I can’t say for certain, but I think these two may outlive me.

They Let Us Live Here

From its perch in the rafters of the (old) old goat barn, a young screech owl calmly blinked its round eyes at me, pupils large and black and infinite in their depth. I stood transfixed, charmed by its confident smallness and wondered if this is how they’ll find me—vertical and awe-anchored to the dry and straw-littered barn floor—when I don’t show up for work tomorrow.

It was my first close encounter with an owl since we arrived here two and a half decades ago, and even as I type this, with a new sun hoisting up the day, I want to head down the slope from the house, slide open the heavy track door and see if she’s still there (be right back)…

Ok, she’s still there, sleeping on a supporting beam just below a center truss, looking feathery soft and content. In future stressful days, I will hold that image in my mind and do my best to channel her into my frazzled nerves.

I’ve taken to counting the rabbits I meet on the field paths during my morning constitutionals, along with any other non-avian creations that make themselves known in the roughly 45-minute amble through the acreage (there are simply too many birds to count and they keep moving around when I can spot them. I do my best to at least know them by species if not song and color). This morning, in the most photo-perfect place where two paths converge and the view is framed by the intertwined and leafy fingers of young black walnut saplings overhead, a russet-colored doe browsed the soft, thin grass, her slender neck curved and relaxed as she nibbled. I slowed my steps in the hopes of not disturbing her peace but her left eye, ever-watchful for danger, locked onto my presence. She snapped her magnificent head upward, snorted and leapt into the thicket. The scent of her earthy fur lingered in the air as I stood where her hooves had just been, thanking aloud anyone within earshot for such an unexpected and beautiful gift (for the record, today’s was a 4-rabbit, 1-startled deer walk).

For reasons beyond my ken, summer seems to be in fast-forward mode, speeding past with some urgent destination on the horizon that we can’t see. The fireflies showed up in mid-May and are now too thin in their ranks for the end of July, and I’m already hearing the crickets who usually don’t make their appearance until late August. Some of the black walnuts shading the chicken run are already dropping yellow leaves and the buckeyes that line the driveway are heavy with the seed pods that will soon break open and drop their mahogany treasures into the poison ivy below. We don’t see orioles at the jelly cup feeders anymore and the mockingbirds that once chattered in the pre-dawn darkness are silent or gone, leaving a mournful gap in the morning symphony. And yet, our tomatoes are taking their sweet ol’ time to ripen. Go figure.

Whatever’s going on behind the curtain of nature’s grand stage, she seems to want us here, making room in her lap for us and all our troubles. She continues to soothe and teach and entertain with a joyful abandon that belies the turbulent undercurrent of the human enterprise roiling our guts daily with its frightening headlines. Hers is a rhythmic motion that pulls us back from the ledges of our worry, gives us good medicine and then pushes us back out into the fray, strengthened and sturdy for the work in front of our open hands. Somehow it all works and we surrender to the mystery of it.

While the tiny owl sleeps in the barn, we’ll mow the grass (all ten acres of walking paths, slopes, meadows and field), trim back the mulberry branches reaching for the power lines that feed our lights and hot water tank, pluck blackberries to freeze for some future winter dessert and shovel mulch into the spaces between the raised beds in the garden. This morning’s startled deer will find other grass to eat and avoid that picturesque spot on the walking path for a while, and the four rabbits that stood stock-still as I ambled past them will return to the clover patches another day. We all keep coming back on our own terms, in our own time, an easy unspoken respect between us as our lives mingle gently in the unfolding days. This is trust and acceptance at their wild and harmonious best.

For anyone listening, thank you.

Everyday Mysteries

There it was, tiny, round and beige, with the characteristic dimpled ridge running from top to bottom—a garbanzo bean on the floor in one of the stalls of the ladies’ room at the downtown office. Impossible to miss on the bare tile during my break.

I have so many questions…

Nothing else at work that week roused my curiosity more than that errant legume, miles from its natural habitat. Even now, on the bus ride home or waiting in line at the library, I still sometimes muse about its journey and how it landed in that spot, given all the other possibilities. And I will probably never know, at least not in this life.

I read somewhere that the human brain is on the receiving end of approximately 30,000 bits of data every day, most of it processed automatically in the course of our routines (the temperature of the water in our morning shower, the aromas of coffee and bacon stirring our tastebuds and how well our shoes fit as we slide into them on the way out the door). But it’s those singular off-script moments or seconds that slow us down long enough to spin our imaginations in all directions. It’s like a continuous creative writing assignment from grade school English class where we’re asked to fill in the back story with our own take on the circumstances until the next round of data comes into our mind’s line of sight. Then we abandon one stream of thought and step into the flow of the next one, looking for clues, drawing conclusions or leaving it unfinished as we try to figure out what’s for dinner.

Call it an active inner life or monkey mind; I’m plagued and privileged in equal measure by it, happy to be led by my curiosity into all realms of my existence. It feels unending up until that sweet moment when I surrender my waking mind into deep sleep where my dreams take over (this is neither the time nor place to get into that). And I wonder why I don’t feel rested in the morning.

Here’s a short list some recent wonderings:

How old are the state office elevator engineer’s work boots? (they are worn in the heels and paint-spattered). Is he planning to get new ones anytime soon?

Who’s hanging by an emotional thread in the room I’m in right now? It’s hard to tell just by the facial expressions around the table. We’re all so good at masking the turbulence that roils deep within or just below the surface.

Where did our resident hummingbirds build their next this year? And why haven’t I ever seen a baby cardinal in my entire lifetime?

Do moles like living underground most of their lives? Through the fur that covers their eyes, what do they see?

When will the horror in Gaza and Ukraine end?

What does it profit someone to gain the whole world but lose their soul along the way?

How did we get here, to this moment in history?

And on it goes, with minimal prompting from everything that exists on the other side of my skin and bones. Science can answer some of those questions, as can simple inquiry on my part of the parties involved (“those work boots look loved. I’ll bet they’ve seen a lot. Does the state help you pay for new ones?”). But I plunge forward into my day, past the hidden secrets of those around me and only in a quiet pause after sunset, hope I’ve shown them grace and kindness. I know…heavy stuff for a Sunday. But there’s this window of headspace while the week’s granola cools on the kitchen counter and of course I’m filling it with the meanderings of a philosophy major some forty years after graduation. I think my dad would be pleased to see how his investment in my education is still unfolding.

In our “figure it out” world that insists on answers instead of more questions, this kind of contemplation seems wasteful and silly. It also draws out our best creative impulses and tendencies where, as we sift through all this rumination, we come across a gem of an idea that just might make things better for someone for a while. My money’s on that outcome and I’m willing to fill the space on bus rides home from downtown or waiting in line for pickles at the farmers market with an entire train of thoughts pointed toward improving the human enterprise even a smidge.

All this from one garbanzo bean in a bathroom stall.

Makes you think, doesn’t it?