Anniversaries and Tulip Bulbs

Twenty-eight years ago on November 19, 1993, Patrick and I stood before 125 of our dearest family and friends, promising to take care of each other with a deep abiding love that would have no expiration date.

On November 28, 2021, we’re still here, unexpired and in love and working on the next twenty-eight years.

In the past week, most of my sentences have started with “honey, on this day twenty-eight years ago, we were…” as I plucked stories from the days leading up to our wedding, the ceremony itself and the two-week honeymoon that followed. This year, our anniversary fell precisely on the day of the week we were married, an alignment that made it easy for me to take the long view over my shoulder and pull those memories forward. I’m probably driving him mad doing this, but if he’s annoyed, he’s keeping it to himself (evidence of the “abiding” part, with a healthy measure of patient tolerance, bless him). The other night, a memory surfaced for both of us.

Twenty-eight years ago on our honeymoon, on Thanksgiving Day, we were serving dinner at a soup kitchen in Flagstaff, Arizona when Patrick saved a little boy from choking to death on a chunk of turkey. One moment we were sitting across from the young lad, all of us digging into our plates laden with traditional holiday fare and then suddenly, Patrick was leaping over the table to perform the Heimlich on a six-year-old (successfully, thank goodness). The little guy’s family rushed over in alarm that soon mixed with gratitude, and as the scene settled down, they gave the child a king-sized Snickers bar to calm him (adrenaline still flowing, Patrick kept an eye on the boy in case there was an encore). Somewhere in the commotion, NBC news was filming on location for their usual Thanksgiving Day segment on good folks helping their neighbors and got the “live-at-5” bonus story every reporter dreams of. We politely declined an interview, preferring to keep our heads humbly down and grateful for time, place and Patrick’s pre-professionally-trained paramedic instincts. The boy’s parents insisted on treating us to dinner at the pizza place they owned and that offer we accepted, enjoying some mighty fine pies the next evening (I don’t think we’ve had better restaurant service since then, truly).

After that, the stories from those first two weeks of our marriage kind of pile on top of each other, and the exact days they took place all those years ago are more elusive, mixed up with other memories and blurry around the edges. It’s ok. The accompanying images and feelings are still vivid and filled with the time-dissolving power that all good reminiscing offers.

In a not-unrelated sort of way, my uncle surprised me this week with an offer of tulip bulbs descended from the ones that his father, my Opa, had grown and tended decades ago in the back yard of the family home in Tiffin, Ohio. They arrived priority mail on Saturday, landing gently on our front porch along with a small cannister of bone meal and a copy of The Complete Book of Bulbs by F. F. Rockwell and Esther C. Grayson (copyright 1945) to guide me in keeping this precious Dutch legacy alive. Like any living thing, they require effort and attentiveness to keep them upright and thriving, and I am definitely showing up for that task. The challenge will be where to plant them, with 41 acres to choose from. Even as my head wraps around the next steps for getting them in the ground as soon as I can, I’m seeing images of the Tiffin house grow sharper and clearer through the child-Liz lens of my mind’s eye, and it makes me feel happy. Those were good times and, fingers crossed, I’ll smile upon the sweet petaled faces of their offspring in a few months, moving the past forward another botanical step.

How did I come by a life so sweetly shaped into stories that dance a rhythmic push-and-pull between what was, what is and what might be? When I take that look back, I see hard-won lessons holding hands with and walking alongside the days of deep contentment, and it feels balanced and right. It has been neither easy nor heartbreaking all of the time and who would want that anyway? This collection of stories, which I add to daily, is both who I am now and a road map for who I want to become. I know I’ll never fully arrive and now my head hurts from the sheer expansiveness of it all, the landscape of Possibility given to each of us. Seems best to keep moving along until I can’t anymore and recognize the present for the gift that it is.

For now, that present is a box of tulip bulbs asking to be given another season and a twenty-eight-year marriage stepping comfortably into whatever the future may hold, one conversation at a time.

Of Note

It was a full week, crammed with things I didn’t know I needed to learn, each one with a backstory worth telling someday. I’m still sifting through them, sorting and prioritizing and weighing their long-term usefulness. Some are fleeting and amusing; most will repurpose themselves in the months and years to come. I like how life works that way, spiraling back to show us a new angle or facet of something we need to revisit in a different context. In no particular order, rank or chronological, I give you a week’s worth of lessons, insights and epiphanies acquired honestly.

A morning bath before the onslaught of the day’s activities is more necessity than indulgence. Worth making time for, I assure you.

I do not recommend these elements be combined: heated car seats, a full bladder and an 18-mile commute.

Nor do I encourage these low-level culinary experiments: Twinkies & mustard, marshmallow Peeps & French onion dip, yogurt after pizza, chili with pineapple.

When a twelve-pound cat wants to go for a walk with you, make it a short stroll. After 85 yards, someone will want to be carried. Guaranteed.

There is nothing you can say that will make someone feel better after losing a loved one. Nothing. So there’s your answer to “What do I say?” when you’re in line at calling hours. Cultivate a rich and abiding awareness of the power of your own silent presence. Trust the healing contained in a simple touch or grasp of the hand, a longer-than-usual look into their eyes. Follow up in a few weeks with an offer to have coffee and talk.

Replace the phrase “I can’t” with one of these: “I’ll try”. “I’d like to learn”. “I’m looking forward to it”. Magic awaits (not every time, but most times).

Find someone who works for a hospice organization, or a domestic violence shelter/safe place. Tell them they are a light in the darkness. It’s almost always true and they probably need to hear it.

Spend more than 30 seconds in front of a mirror, saying “I see you” into your own eyes, and mean it. Respond as indicated.

Chickens will eat just about anything you throw down in front of them. And we eat the eggs they give us. Plan their meals with some discretion.

When was the last time someone gave you their undivided attention (and you didn’t have to pay for it)? It’s the greatest gift we can give. If it’s been so long you can’t remember what it feels like, contact me.

There are people around you working pretty hard on their rough edges, their unfinished business, sweating through their own personal Performance Improvement Plan. Might be nice to notice. Even say something.

Black walnuts on the ground hidden beneath piles of decaying leaves will definitely shape and inform your daily mindful walking practice.

It’s perfectly ok and actually quite marvelous to send a thank you note in response to a thank you note. Maybe Hallmark should create a line of “You’re Welcome!” cards?

Feeling chilly right after placing a few drops of peppermint essential oil on the folded tissue in my office wasn’t a cause-and-effect moment. Maybe the building’s furnace wasn’t working. Still a woo-woo moment, though.

Years ago, my friend Chris gave me a phrase that has become one of the anchors of my emotional intelligence practice: “I am irrationally irritated.” I call it The De-escalator. Give it a try where it fits for you. I keep it in a holster with all of my rehearsed and ready-to-go apologies.

Leaves will not rake themselves into a pile, nor transport themselves to the compost bin fifteen yards from where they fell. There are choices: get used to walking through them, lie down on top of them and make leaf angels, let the wind help.

Intention without information can result in a less-than-desirable impact. It’s not enough sometimes to “mean well”. Do your homework.

The walk from the car to the front porch and into the house at the end of a long day is one of the sweetest journeys you’ll even know. Savor it, of course but get to the couch in the feet up position as quickly as possible.

How was your week? Let’s chat. I’ll put the kettle on.

Poets, Teachers, Companions, Creatures

The living room windows are framing a sideways snowfall that began with small random flakes not quite knowing which way they wanted to go. Now the flakes are visibly large, slightly more intentional with their flight pattern and there are more of them filling the spaces between the brave and bare branches of the tree line on the ridge. It’s an eclectic and tangled mix of black walnut, silver maple, mulberry and red cedar, all existing side by side more or less peacefully. Together they give us a helpful windbreak from the ambitions of the West, who changes her mind pretty much on the hour in late autumn. Our house was built long before television was even an idea in Philo Farnsworth II’s head, so I’m comfortable imagining that they deliberately placed the windows facing all the entertainment Mother Nature offered. She still does not disappoint.

With three of the four cats settled into their Sunday napping and the warmth of a space heater bringing the room’s temperature to a balmy 62, I’m letting quite a few varied and diverse memories rise unbidden to the surface. Days like this seem to be made for such reminiscing (cats are optional but highly recommended) and one that comes up clear and sharp is from the BP era (Before Pandemic), when commuting to work was the norm. If you timed it just right in our neighborhood, you could whiz past all the homes where the school bus stopped to pluck children from their long gravel driveways. When the weather allowed, parents stood with coffee cups in hand, slipper-shod feet and a hastily gathered jacket draped ‘round their shoulders, their morning hair covered in either a baseball cap or under the hood of said jacket. The bus comes, lights flashing, my fellow drivers and I are obedient to the swing-out stop sign and we watch another young mind clamber onward toward a life of the mind for at least the next six hours. It’s sweet when the child takes one last look at home and parent from the steps of the bus before being swallowed up into a yellow-clad temporary world of assigned seating and friendly chit-chat.

I can’t pinpoint when it started but at one house down the road, the father would transport his young daughter (seven, maybe eight years old?) in a white pick-up truck to the end of their long driveway, open the sunroof and let her stand on the seat to wave at all of us passing by on our way to work. She’d give us a vigorous and enthusiastic full-body wave and some of us would honk, resulting in a delighted jazz hands response until the next car approached in a purposeful blur. I suspect we made each others’ days with this drive-by greeting, and I did my best to time my departure to catch it. After a while it seemed right and fitting to thank her with a note and a handful of ceramic hearts, handmade by one of our hospice volunteers. I bagged them up, signed the note “The Red Tacoma” (what I was driving at the time) and placed them in the mailbox with the envelope addressed to “The Waving Girl”. I wonder if she knows the legend of another Waving Girl who would stand on the banks of the Savannah River in Georgia, performing a similar act of human kindness and connection for the sailors who steered the cargo ships into port? That I even know that story pulls up another trunk of cherished memories, spending the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day on Tybee Island with dear family, wearing shorts and t-shirts while others back home were probably watching snowflakes fall randomly against the gray backdrop of a chilly Ohio winter.

Today’s sneak preview of what we can expect in the months to come has me all tucked into the life of my own mind, and I don’t mind one bit. That necessary pause to consider some of what’s happened between the day I was born and this morning is worth it, no matter what other and more practical projects are tugging at my sleeve. I have lived in the company of people who have encouraged me to write and dream, to work hard, to synthesize bits of information into a new thought and be brave enough to speak it aloud. I’ve seen snapping turtles mating in the gently flowing water of our creek (only once, that second spring after we moved here and haven’t seen it since, so keep the edges of that memory crisp, filled with grateful wonder), heard the yipping calls of young coyotes near where the old goat barn once stood and let autumn’s wooly worms inch their way across the palm of my hand. And sometimes, when I’m walking through the new cut path near Patrick’s fasting site, I can smell without a doubt the scent of cinnamon, like someone baking pie, and a waft of Old Spice aftershave. I don’t need to figure it out; I just inhale and keep walking (not all of my companions here have faces I can see), knowing that I am better for their presence, seen and unseen, in my life.

Who features in your stories? Who taught you lessons you won’t soon forget? What have you seen, dear reader, that made such an impression on you that even a mid-autumn snow squall can’t keep it from rising up all warm and friendly to talk with you a while? Do give them time, these visitors from your past. Maybe you missed something the first go-around and they’re back to fill in the gap. Or maybe they just want to say hello as you drive by.

With or without the snow, it’s time well spent.

Change of Season, Land of Promise

I’ve cozied up the living room, replacing the thinner spring and summer couch throws with vintage quilts and flannel blankets you’d never want to leave once you’re ensconced in them. A pot of Italian tomato and butter bean soup is warming on the stove and the aroma is trying to pull me into the kitchen. I’m resisting but barely, on the knife’s edge of temptation. It’s a simple recipe from my late father-in-law, Larry, that includes half a cup of red wine to mingle with the caramelized onions and crushed tomatoes. Hey, any day that begins by adding a half cup of Cabernet to something is going to be a good one.

Autumn is in full technicolor swing here, making the daily commute to work even more of a pleasure and the morning walks nothing short of stop-you-in-your-tracks spectacular. As I pass beneath the towering cottonwoods in the far northeast corner of the woods, I’m craning my neck to see if that one last leaf at the top is going to finally unhook itself in the wind and free fall to the forest floor. But walking while looking up isn’t the best combination if you’re wanting to stay upright. My feet meander aimlessly into a randomly corrugated and mole-hilled section of the path and, still looking up, I careen into a sycamore sapling that refuses to step aside. Looks like that leaf will need to fall without my bearing witness to it. I rub my arm where it met the sampling’s hard cold trunk and keep moving.

On a bright and cloudless Wednesday morning last week, heading across the front porch to the car, I turned and watched, mesmerized, as the silver maple behind the house set to dropping her leaves in a hypnotic swirling spectacle, each one a glowing topaz jewel catching its own thermal on the way down. They landed soundlessly, one after the other in silently rapid succession. I couldn’t look away, didn’t want to be anywhere but there in that moment, pure gold collecting at my feet and hers in a soft pelt of summer’s remembrance. How I even made it to work that day, I can’t tell you. I must have, because our checking account reflects a direct deposit from payroll. But I was rich even before I pulled into the parking lot.

It occurs to me on a humbling and regular basis that this place we call home has kept its promises, each and every one, since we unpacked the last box on that Easter afternoon in April and gathered family in a circle for the land blessing on that unforgettable Sunday in July some twenty-two years ago where my devout Catholic mother took in the prayers of our tiospaye when the firekeeper handed the pipe over to her. In that arc of time, we’ve slept beneath 283 full moons, shoveled and mopped up and planted and harvested our way through 88 seasons and kept a 100-year-old farmhouse standing through it all (fingers crossed, we’ll see it through to the other side of its twenty-third winter). We’ve been sheltered, challenged, protected and stunned in equal measure by what a landlocked rectangle of cornfield-turned-woods and meadow can offer up, from hidden yet vocal coyotes to comical squirrels to red-tail hawks and their flap flap glide…flap flap g-l-i-d-e flight patterns over our grateful heads. If I’m quiet, I can hear the echoes of family cookouts, bonfires down by the old old goat barn and impromptu scavenger hunts with our friends’ children as they laughed their way through the meadow looking to fill the grocery bags dangling from their fingertips with acorns and those ankle-turning fallen black walnuts that collect pretty much everywhere. In the spaces between the projects and obligations in our over-scheduled days, these sweet memories rise and settle themselves in full view of our consideration. We give them our attention and our time without hesitation.

Ever so often, I find myself in the grip of my own worries, wondering how we’ll manage as we keep getting older, where we’ll end up if we can’t stay here until our last breath. I imagine that final trip down the gravel driveway and a deep, piercing sadness closes itself around my heart. I’ve fallen inextricably in love with this place, no hope for recovering. Love. Nothing less than helpless, in up to my neck kind of love, the seed of all grief. We’ve handed over the keys to our happiness and this place just keeps outstripping our dreamy expectations, getting under our skin with its generous beauty. As the leaves keep falling, so do I.

Such love comes at a price and I’m willing to pay it. I’ll keep walking, noticing, planting and harvesting, reveling in it and carefully tending to it, as often as I can, for as long as I can.

That’s my promise to her.